In today’s world, the traditional paradigms of love and relationships are being questioned and redefined. Many people enter relationships expecting them to fill a void or compensate for a lack of love they feel within themselves. However, disappointment is almost inevitable when both partners come into a relationship with these unrealistic expectations. Two individuals grappling with their love deficiencies cannot effectively support each other in overcoming these deficits. When two fragmented people come together to form a relationship because they are not whole, their relationships are destined to fail.
Romantic relationships often start with an undeniable spark—an attraction that can be as slow-burning as a candle or as intense as a wildfire. As this connection deepens, the euphoria of falling in love takes over, temporarily easing personal anxieties and focusing both partners on mutual care and affection. This mutual care and affection are the foundation of a strong relationship. But soon, reality sets in. External pressures like work stress, financial worries, and family conflicts begin to intrude, exposing the partner’s human flaws and vulnerabilities.
This revelation can be unsettling, and both partners may exhibit behaviors such as emotional withdrawal or distraction, leading to feelings of disappointment and insecurity. Consequently, the primary aspects of one’s personality re-emerge, reverting to familiar behavior patterns. Similarly, partners’ dominant personality traits resurface, reacting per their established coping mechanisms. These changes may cause distress, making both partners question whether they are meant to be together. The relationship seems so different; one may question whether they are with the wrong person. Some relationships may falter at this point, while others might cycle between periods of togetherness and separation, caught in a common pattern known as a ‘push-pull dynamic ‘, where partners are drawn together and then pushed apart.
As relationships evolve, partners will feel disappointed as the initial romance and passion fade. Trying to resist this natural change can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. However, those who embrace change and allow their relationship to evolve can find deeper, more meaningful connections. This potential for growth and deeper connection can be a source of inspiration and motivation in our relationship journey.
Many people today choose partners based on misguided factors such as biases, fears, unconscious needs, and fleeting desires rather than a clear, conscious understanding of what they truly need in a partner. This often results in relationships that present significant challenges. Thousands seek to improve their relationship because they have selected partners based on parental patterns or an opposite attraction framework. This phenomenon arises from the tendency to choose partners based on unconscious programming, leading to distorted perceptions and difficulties finding understanding within relationships. These unconscious choices could stem from deep-rooted patterns passed down through generations, influencing how we relate to others.
Unconscious conditioning and fear can prevent us from being fully present in our relationships. Often, we seek safety in familiar interaction patterns shaped by past experiences of betrayal or disappointment. This can make us approach relationships cautiously, limiting our ability to connect deeply and authentically. We may also sabotage possibilities to keep us from experiencing further loss, which results from unconscious conditioning.
When we allow our emotions to define our identities, we give up control over our relationship choices. In unconscious relationships, we seek individuals who fit our preconceived expectations, desires, and intentions rather than genuinely choosing to relate to them. Not making conscious choices leads to uncertainty about how we or our partners might change. These hidden connections can hold us back, stop us from being ourselves, or prevent us from being intimate. Defenses, pretenses, and imprinting influence our choices to attract better partners.
Trauma can also have a profound impact on relationships, especially when it originates from within those relationships, such as in cases of child abuse or domestic violence. Trauma, whether individual or collective, can lead individuals to develop unconscious patterns of behavior and significantly impair trust, connection, and mutuality, making it difficult to form healthy relationships. Unresolved trauma can lead to long-term personal pain and developmental problems, affecting the dynamics of intimate partnerships.
The founder father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, believed that the unconscious mind holds content that is too distressing to be consciously acknowledged, yet it still affects our behavior. Defense mechanisms like repression or denial keep unconscious motives and feelings from conscious awareness. The unconscious houses our instinctual drives, such as those for sex and aggression, which are often suppressed as they conflict with our rational conscious self.
It’s essential to embark on a journey of self-discovery to break free from these unconscious patterns. We can develop healthier, more conscious relationships by embracing our creative potential and becoming more aware of how our past influences our present.
Healing from trauma often requires reconnecting with others in supportive, loving environments where we feel safe and understood. It can be from family, friends, support groups, religious communities, or professional therapists. These relationships provide physical and emotional safety, shielding us from feelings of shame, admonishment, or judgment and instilling the courage needed to confront and process the reality of our experiences. Given the significant portion of our brain’s circuitry dedicated to interpersonal connection, recovery from trauma necessitates (re)establishing connections with others.
True love cannot be owned or controlled. It is the great equalizer that transcends the limitations of traditional relationship dynamics. For relationships to thrive, both partners must be willing to grow and evolve together, embracing change rather than resisting it. Only then can we build a truly fulfilling relationship rooted in conscious love.