I won’t lie—today was rough.
I found myself in yet another frustrating interaction with my ex. Despite all my inner work, I could feel my body tensing up, my heart pounding, my mind racing with old narratives, and my emotions ready to spill over. Even after all this time, even with all the conscious relationship tools I practice, the experience still challenged me.
But here’s the thing: growth isn’t about never getting triggered. It’s about how quickly we recognize what’s happening and how we choose to respond. So today, instead of getting pulled into an emotional spiral, I reminded myself of these key truths that I want to share with you because I know I’m not the only one navigating a difficult ex.
1. Their Actions Are About Them, Not Me
This was the first thing I had to remind myself of repeatedly.
When my ex lashed out, my initial reaction was to internalize it—Was I not clear enough? Did I do something wrong? But then I took a deep breath and realized this was not about me.
His frustration, anger, accusations, and inability to communicate in a healthy way reflect his emotional state, not my worth. He is acting from his own unhealed wounds, unresolved pain, and inner battles.
By internalizing his actions, I take on emotional burdens that aren’t mine to carry. The moment I recognize that his behavior is about him, I reclaim my emotional sovereignty.
Recognizing this isn’t just comforting—it’s liberating. The moment I accept that his behavior is his to own, I stop making it my problem to fix.
This mindset shift is crucial because:
- It stops me from reacting to his provocations. When I realize it’s not about me, I stop engaging in his drama.
- It prevents guilt-tripping. I no longer feel responsible for fixing or soothing his emotions.
- It protects my peace. When I detach from his emotional chaos, I can focus on my healing.
So, every time they lash out, take a deep breath and remind yourself, “This is their wound, not mine. I do not have to carry what is not mine.”
2. I Can Choose Growth Over Reaction
I’ll be honest—I wanted to react. And I did initially! I tried to defend myself, prove a point, and tell him exactly why he was being unreasonable. But then I asked myself: What would responding like this give me?
The answer? More stress, more drama, and a deeper emotional entanglement with someone I’m trying to move forward from.
So I chose differently. I paused. I breathed. I reminded myself that silence can be more powerful than words. I responded calmly, without feeding into the emotional storm. And in doing so, I protected my energy.
Conscious relationships teach me that every interaction is an opportunity for self-inquiry:
- What emotions does my ex trigger in me?
- What unresolved patterns are being reflected at me?
- Am I being drawn into the same toxic cycle, and if so, why?
By approaching this situation with curiosity rather than resistance, I shift from seeing my ex as an “obstacle” to recognizing him as a mirror for my healing and evolution.
3. Boundaries Are Not Up for Debate
A difficult ex will test boundaries—today was proof of that. They will push, guilt-trip, or try to pull you into old patterns. And honestly, a part of me felt that familiar pull, that old need to explain myself, soften my stance, and keep the peace.
But boundaries only work when we uphold them. So, instead of engaging in back-and-forth conversations that drained me, I held my ground. I stated my boundaries calmly and clearly. And then? I walked away, both physically and emotionally.
That was my reminder: I don’t owe anyone justification for protecting my peace.
Boundaries are not ultimatums; they are expressions of self-respect. The key to setting conscious boundaries is clarity and consistency without emotional charge.
- Instead of over-explaining or justifying our limits, state them with calm confidence.
- Replace defensive language (“I don’t want to talk to you!”) with neutral statements (“I am only available to discuss necessary matters.”)
- Energetically reinforce our boundaries by being unwavering in our actions, not just words.
If your ex refuses to respect your limits, remember: Boundaries are for us to uphold, not for them to comply.
4. My Triggers Are My Teachers
I won’t pretend I didn’t feel a wave of emotions today—frustration, disappointment, even a little sadness. But rather than suppressing those feelings, I sat with them. I asked myself: What is this moment teaching me?
- That I still have inner work to do when it comes to detachment.
- Even though I’ve moved on, there are still emotional layers I’m peeling back.
- That I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for.
Every difficult interaction is an opportunity for self-awareness. Instead of reacting, ask:
- What belief is being activated? (e.g. “I feel disrespected. Do I need to reaffirm my worth to myself?”)
- What old wounds are resurfacing? (e.g. “Am I still seeking closure, or do I need to give that closure to myself?”)
- What lesson is this teaching me about conscious love?
When we see triggers as messengers instead of enemies, our ex loses their power over us.
5. I Get to Choose How This Affects Me
At the end of the day, I realized something important: my ex can be difficult, but he doesn’t get to control my inner state. I do.
I don’t have to let one conversation ruin my day. I don’t have to carry their energy with me. I don’t have to replay the interaction in my mind all night.
So I made a conscious choice: to release it.
- I journaled about it to clear my thoughts.
- I moved my body to shake off the tension.
- I reminded myself that I am in control of my peace.
And guess what? It worked.
Final Thoughts: This Is a Process, and That’s Okay
If you’re dealing with a difficult ex, I see you. I understand the emotional toll, the frustration, the moments of doubt. But I also want you to know this: You have the power to shift the way you engage with them.
Today tested me, but it reminded me how far I’ve come. And tomorrow, if another challenge arises, I know I have the tools to handle it—because this is about growth, not perfection.
So, if you’re in the same boat, navigating your version of a difficult ex, I invite you to remind yourself: This is about them, not you. You get to choose how much space they take up in your mind. And you are stronger than you think.
What’s one conscious shift you can make today in engaging (or not engaging) with a difficult ex?
Sending you love & strength,
Dr. Arica Law